Transformation and healing begins when you speak the truth and walk out of the darkness and towards the light. This means telling your story, your truth and begin the healing process. We want to hear about you!
Please email us your story and we will consider posting here so that you may feel a sense of connection. You are not alone. Many have experienced abuse. Remember one in four women and one in six men have experienced sexual abuse.
I was 4 years old, pretty blonde long hair wearing my pretty white dress. We were visiting our family; I remember it like it was yesterday. It was Christmas time and we went to my Nana's house (my great Grandmother) to celebrate with all of the family, probably 20 of us or so. Like I said it's like this was yesterday, I was sitting on my great Grandfathers' lap in the living room with all the family around talking and laughing. My dad was sitting at the window seat in the kitchen talking and laughing with his brothers. As I was looking around seeing all this being the good little girl I was all of a sudden I was scared wondering what was going on. I didn't understand it, why is his hand under my panties. I was scared and didn't know what to do so I sat there like nothing was happening, like this was supposed to happen I guess? I can remember looking at my dad and wondering why he wasn't doing something about this. Why was he still in the kitchen and not in here stopping this?
I didn't tell anyone. When I look back there was so many signs that something had happened to me. My parents always talk about when I was in 1st grade at a teacher conference my teacher said “Stacy is always angry”. My parent's reaction was “oh that's just the wrath of Stacy”. It was a joke, that's just Stacy. That is what I was told my entire life, that's just Stacy, that's how she is. I dated men when I was a child. Yes that is right men, not boys. Looking back I know God was watching over me from the time I was a little child till right this moment as I'm typing this. He has always been there even when I didn't know Him or care to know Him. I was in really bad relationships and it was my normal, chaos, that is what I liked; no that is what I was used to.
Like I said God was watching over me and I know now that He had a plan for me, a great plan for me. I met my husband when I was 22. We met and were married within 11 months of knowing each other. His family thought he was crazy. See we were in Colorado and his family was all in Texas so they didn't know me. I believe God sent him to Colorado to save me. We were married in 2001 and by 2003 we had our son and were living back in Texas with all of his family. They were all still unsure of me, but they all had opened arms even with the thickest wall up between me and anyone to come in front of me. Now at this time I didn't believe in Jesus or God for that matter. Casey, my husband was the one to start opening my eyes to Him. It was a slow process but I saw Him, I felt Him, I knew that there was a God and that Jesus had come to this world to save me from my sins!
A few years later when I was about 25 I finally let my secret out of the bag about my great Grandfather. I told my mother in law, whom was also sexually abused when she was a very young child. She helped me through this process and walk by my side and prayed with me. I started seeing a Christian counselor with my Casey around this time, we were having issues and he almost left me. By the grace of God he stuck by my side and he has been a very patient loving husband as I have gone on this journey. After about a year I was seeing my own counselor without Casey. It was time for me to deal with my issues. I went to a counselor for 2-3 years on my own and had a lot of issues to deal with. One of the big ones was the anger I had that leads back to what had happened to me at the age of 4. I was ashamed, angry, sad, angry, scared, angry. See there was a lot of anger to deal with and it was pointed at a lot of different people. My parents, my Grand parents, my great Grand parents. Why didn't they stop it, why didn't they do something about it? They didn't know it had happened to me but it sure felt like they should have known. I remember when I was visiting my mother and I told her what had happened to me when I was 4. I look back now and I think why did I say it like that to her, it's the only way I knew how to say it. I said, “I think if we lived in California when I was growing up I would have been molested... by Rudy” (my great Grandfather). She looked at me funny and kind of laughed and said “oh I don't think that would happen”. My response was” mom it happened when I was 4 years old and everyone was in the room when it happened”. The hardest thing was getting it out to my mother. I guess I thought she wouldn't believe me or she would look at me differently. It was almost easy to tell my mother in law; she had horrible things happen to her at a young age. She went to counseling and she knows what I'm feeling. Years later after I told my mother about this I found out that she was abused when she was younger also. Man how I wish I would have known this earlier, I think I would have had the courage to tell her.
God has put so many people in my life to help me through this process and I am so thankful for that. I have come to forgive so many. I had anger towards all these people that had nothing to do with it, that hadn't done anything to me. I had to let go of that anger to be able to grow, and love others the way Christ loves me. I am still working on forgiving Rudy, I'm not there yet but I know I'm close. God wants us to forgive for ourselves. Forgiving doesn't mean forgetting, it means I am not going to let this hold me back and it is not ok what you did to me. All it does is hold us back, it doesn't hurt anyone else except us. Rudy has been dead for 19 years and just because he is dead doesn't mean that the feelings are gone. It is still a process for me to go through. I just recently forgave my great Grandmother for staying with a monster. This forgiveness came after she passed away this last year. I don't feel that hate towards her like I had. God has given me that gift. I am still waiting on the gift of forgiving Rudy, but I know in time that too will happen. It's all in timing with God; it's His time, not ours. He is in control and we have to learn to let go and let Him lead us and we will be free of all our guilt, shame, anger, and anything else that we hold onto.
This is all in His Glorious Name!